OF ME

It's been four months and I'm feeling more whole than I've been since then.

I talked to you for the first time again today and I felt okay.

I'm sad you still feel depressed but there's that part of me that likes that you're depressed.
That part of me hurts less if you're depressed and not happy without me.
That part of me thinks maybe you'll be with me once again when you're not.
That part of me thinks you can't be with me solely because you're still depressed.

And I realize that I'm sad you're not okay.
That I want you to be okay.
That I want both of us to be okay.
That I'm finally feeling a bit okay.

That part of me
That part of my soul
will always love you,
Be there for you,
Care for you,
Breathe for you, and
Be you.

But that part of me is no longer me
And I finally see that.

3 MONTHS

It's been three months.
So many things have happened in three months.

I'm sad to say I'm still very much in love you with.
I'm sad to say I'm doing worse than I thought.
I'm sad to say I'm hoping you think about me.
I'm sad to say I'm hoping you hurt about me.
I'm sad to say I actually don't mean that at all...

These past three months.

I'm so happy to see you happy!
I'm so happy to see you do well in school.
I'm so happy to see you with friends.
I'm so happy to even see you with the girl that makes you happy.

It's okay,
These past three months.

If you're okay.

1:17 AM

In the end there's going to be a lot of 1:17s
in the morning
and
I'm still going to be alone to only my
thoughts
Even
when the sun rises and you're here
I'm still feeling like
1:17 in the morning

SPECIAL

He is so special to me

The way he rubs his hand on mine feels like paradise
Floating around in circles in the pools of his blue eyes
Diving in to emotions running so deep to the core

Every moment feels like infinity and I feel free
And every moment feels like infinity but never long enough

Oh how I knew he was special

From the first time I opened my eyes
To the last I closed them and felt our heartbeats between our fingers
And couldn't tell which one was mine

THINKING

Thinking about his black shirt
And how pale he looks
And how he got that pale

With tears like the rain
And nights full of pain

Thinking about what he thinks
When I try to avoid his gaze
If he thinks at all

With my sighs of frustration
And days full of temptation

Thinking about his voice
And how it flows so easily
But never directed towards me

With no faze
And my sad gaze

Thinking about why I feel this way

EVERYTHING

Everything's irrelevant in the eyes of love,

Desperate for eager and willing pupils of generations to bow to your unforgiving soul.

Sadly, I can't find the root of existence but people always find reasons.

There are patterns
because nothing's new
with reincarnations and
substaining amounts of energy
I see no reason in questioning patterns
if everything is basically the same.

STATIC

If I close my eyes I can just see the static

It's as if I tuned into the wrong channel of life

And as I sit here, more frustrated than ever, 

I start to believe that the static intensifies

That the noise is drowning my own thoughts

and replacing it with nothing

I can no longer keep up with the waves of static crashing

in my head 

I can no longer stand the abundant cacophony

in my ears

I'm stuck living my life like an empty television screen 

HIS VOICE

His goddamn voice was a piano concerto
It rocked my soul and melted me in places I wasn't used to
It lead me up and down
And it made me beg
For repetition made it better
Ever repeated word, like a note, sent me shivering
He couldn't possibly know what he meant to me
No matter how many times I listened
I couldn't find anything better
And I couldn't ever compare

SCARED

I'm so scared.
Of the feelings I feel, of the feelings I could feel, and of the feeling others have felt because of me.
I can't run away from time and I can't turn it back to make you better.
I can't sit here and imagine a world where you aren't struggling so much to be normal.
But I also can't stand up and help.

I'm so scared.
Of what is happening, of what may happen, and what has happened
because of me.
I can't run away from time and I can't turn it forward to make you better.
I can't sit here and imagine a world where you don't actually exist as someone who doesn't mean so much to me.
But I also can't stand to see you go.

WANTED

But I don't want it
I said as my heart swelled at the sight of your back towards me.

But I don't want it
I said as my heart swam through the waves of your voice.

But I don't want it.
I said as my heart was taken by a smile.

But I want it.
I said as my heart was shot down with a casual glance.

But I want it.
I said as my heart was tossed away when you told me you didn't want me.

But I wanted it.

HEART

He carved his name into my mind
And burned holes in my heart
Not thinking that they'd heal so painfully and slowly

But I couldn't blame him

I put up a front
That it didn't hurt

And that was the price I paid

YOU

Funny how I can

look at you
smile at you
talk to you
laugh with you

And never show that I was

crying over you

This weekend

With my face tucked in
sheets

And my feelings tucked in
crevices

Too deep for reality
to reach

MONEY

Money is a murderer, a lover, a cheater, an overall horribly good thing.
It makes you uncomfortable, it makes you scream, it makes you paralyzed with fear.
It runs your future. It runs your life. It runs your parents' lives. It runs your friends' lives.
It runs the world.
It controls everything I do.
If I tried to run away it would catch up quicker than the police.
I'm a puppet to the green crumpled bills and I will forever be.

If I could be anything I would be money.
Money doesn't feel sadness, sorrow, regret.
It doesn't feel happiness or joy or emptiness.
It doesn't feel worry.
Worry.
Worry.
(I'm so worried.)
It is only money and has no need to change itself.
It is passed around and circulated and lost.
I guess that is how I'm like money.

EXHAUSTING

Every day feels like it's a year.
Time feels so infinite and looping that reality seems unreasonable.
I can't stop going to bed thinking everything will change the next day.
I feel like I'm being pulled away by a tide with no grasp on anything but I can feel every ounce of pressure of every wave crashing down in my mind.
I'm dripping of potential but I'm dying of pressure.
The pressure feels so suffocating and deafening.